I went from finding my soulmate to constant fighting, competing, crying, and withdrawing. I knew I loved my wife and wanted to find a way to get along, but I wondered how we could be so far off base. I was counseling couples and helping others re-connect and end fighting, yet in my house I felt like one wrong word could end in a fight.
Needless to say, I knew something needed to change. I had already received specialized training to help other couples and I knew what it took to transform my body.
You’d think with my years of athletic training, and my job, I’d have it all figured out. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Turns out, swimming laps in freezing water and knowing how to meditate, and helping other couples with their problems didn’t make me an enlightened partner.
I thought of my marriage as a competition: I had to win every argument and fight. I refused to understand my wife because I thought that meant agreeing with her. And all my years of meditation and personal development certainly gave me the spiritual high ground on most issues, right?
But after a period of hellish fights, I knew I needed a new way to transform our relationship.
This turned out to be much harder than any marathon I’d ever trained for.
First, I had to understand that my wife wasn’t there to make me happy. I had to stop thinking of arguments as something to win, and start thinking of us as a team working together on problems.
The road ahead of us felt daunting. All I could see was the gap between where we were and where I wanted us to be. There were days I thought we would never get there. There were days I felt discouraged, I beat up on myself, I lost my cool. I wondered how I would ever be that perfect partner and have that 5-star relationship I wanted with the woman I loved.
And then it clicked.
I could start training our relationship like I trained for marathons. Just like trying to get to 26 miles, I had to take daily actions to improve communication and give my wife the freedom to have her differences.
I started implementing what I learned from my mentors — some of the pioneers of couples therapy. I enrolled in their intensive apprenticeship program where they pass their knowledge off to a few carefully chosen therapists.
You could have the best information, the best training plan, the best intentions in the world, and still take no action. It’s like standing in the doorway of a gym day after day and complaining that you are not getting results.
That’s why coaching is crucial in working toward the relationship of your dreams. They’re a relationship personal trainer. They’re there with you, working on your form, helping you set new goals, giving you feedback and motivation along the way.
If you want results, you have to get some training.
And if you want lasting results, you train with the best. And you train with someone who has been through what you’re going through, because those are the trainers who know how to lead you out of your suffering.
I love working with couples to help them realize their goals. I apply the process of reaching monumental physical to reaching relationship goals. And I have taken the experience of being an athlete and a couples therapist to create a relationship bootcamp so I can push my clients to be the best version of themselves.